by John S

On Saturday, May 28, I had the pleasure of accompanying a buddy to the Seattle Crypticon held at the Sea-Tac Hilton. I’m no “con virgin” but it was my first Crypticon and so I wasn’t sure what to expect. I must say I enjoyed it immensely. Of course, it would’ve been hard for a horror freak like me not to enjoy it immensely. Unless I turned into a Pod Person. Anyhow, without further ado, some lessons learned from this year’s Crypticon:

12. Do not automatically assume someone is wearing a costume until he or she tells you definitively it is a costume. This will avoid you the embarassment of having to backpedal when you declare “I love your outfit – what are you, a male gigolo zombie hunter?” only to have him reply that he didn’t have time to find a costume-and he is, in fact, wearing his street clothes. Awkward doesn’t even begin to cover it.

11. Vendors selling movie posters at Crypticon usually only sell horror, fantasy, thriller, or sci-fi movie posters. Forget about asking for a one-sheet of Showgirls. You will get strange looks. And these looks will only get stranger if you try to reason that Showgirls is, in reality, the most terrifying horror movie ever made.

10. Michael Biehn is still an Uber-Stud at the age of 59 and is the only Kyle Reese this lowly fan will ever acknowledge. Suck it, Terminator Genisys.

9. Clowns are forever creepy. No matter what kind of clown. No matter who is wearing the costume. Period. End of story. And if you’re dressed like a creepy clown, please don’t jump out at people (i.e., me) from behind a wall, all bug-eyed and cackling. I just might drop-kick your creepy ass across the convention center.

8. For some of the horror film directors on some of the panels, there is a blurry line between “energetic, driven, passionate” and “needs to switch to decaf-ASAP.” Easy there, killer. You’re frothing at the mouth. Or is that just the foam from your 193rd cappuccino?

7. A kiddie T-shirt with a Jason Voorhees hockey mask and the phrase “I Heart Mommy” on it is highly amusing, but probably not an appropriate gift for your nephew’s sixth birthday. Trust me.

6. When shopping for DVDs, don’t be afraid to be pathetic and use Julia Roberts’ love plea to Hugh Grant in Notting Hill but turn it into a business proposal: “I’m just a horror movie freak. Standing in front of a blu-ray vendor. Asking him for a kick-ass deal.” Assuming you don’t get escorted out by security, you may hit the jackpot and get five horror blu-rays for $20. Ha!

5. Lance Henriksen is still a badass even at the age of 76 with a full head of white hair. If I’d had some liquid courage handy, I would’ve walked up to him and in my best Sigourney Weaver impression, given him praise: “Ya did good, Bishop. Oh, yeah….”

4. Any panel with Ginger Lynn on it is going to be really, really, REALLY popular with the guys. Pervs…

3. Cassandra “Elvira, Mistress of the Dark” Petersen must bathe in the blood of virgins to appear as ageless as she does. Tony Todd, too, who still looks like he just stepped off the set of the first Candyman movie. Either that, or it’s some really awesome CGI. Whatever it is, pass that mojo around, guys.

2. Black Phillip, the charismatic talking goat from The VVitch, has his own bumper sticker now. Which means a spin-off movie and a lucrative Hugo Boss modeling contract isn’t far off. Watch out, Theo James.

And the NUMBER ONE lesson I learned at Seattle Crypticon 2016:

1. There are arguably better ways to spend a Saturday afternoon than at a crowded horror movie convention, but when you’re surrounded by Lance Henriksen, Michael Biehn, Tony Todd, Ginger Lynn, Cassandra Peterson’s eternal cleavage, and hundreds of fellow weirdo kindred spirits, you really don’t give a flying crap.

That’s all.

John S. is a Scarecrow volunteer who loves James Bond, Jason Bourne, Italian Gialli, Dario Argento, Hitchcock, Ridley Scott, Peanut M&Ms with popcorn, Julia Roberts in PRETTY WOMAN, Theo James in anything, HALLOWEEN (movie and holiday), Scarecrow Video, Russell Crowe as a villain, strawberry soda, and Karaoke – not necessarily in that order. He also thinks he was a Bond Girl in another life, maybe a cross between Dr. Christmas Jones and Dr. Holly Goodhead.