This would absolutely work on me.

It’s Unstreamable! Where Jas Keimig and Chase Burns recommend movies and TV shows you can’t watch on major streaming services in the United States. We post on Wednesdays 😊

JAS: All these Valentine’s vibes got me in the mood for Airheads, a movie I’m watching purely because I think all the actors are hot, lol.

CHASE: I’ll continue this SEXY theme by highlighting Bijou, a masterpiece in pornographer Wakefield Poole’s filmography. And on the subject of masterpieces: the leading man’s penis in this movie… It is—I—uh—wow! 

Got a recommendation? Give us the scoop at unstreamablemovies@gmail.com.

AIRHEADS

USA, 1994, 92 min, Dir. Michael Lehmann

If I speak…

With all the awards buzz that Brendan Fraser is getting for his role in Darren Aronofsky’s The Whale, I thought it important to get back to the ABCs of Fraser’s career. Meaning Airheads, of course. It’s kind of hard to believe that such a rich text of ‘90s references and fashion is so unavailable to stream! I’ll sketch the story for you briefly: a Los Angeles hard rock band consisting of Fraser, Adam Sandler, and Steve Buscemi (swoon) accidentally hijack a radio station in an attempt to force the jockeys to play their demo. They want a record deal, after all. It’s a plot that is probably nonsensical to Zoomers and plays like an extended SNL sketch. I loved it.

The fashion alone is great because they all kinda dress like hot lesbians. Fraser with his long hair and leather jacket, Sandler with his shaved head and flannel, and Buscemi’s band tee and bad attitude. And, of course, the vision-less critics of the time absolutely panned the film and it absolutely tanked at the box office. By Airheads’ 25th anniversary, however, the movie became—say it with me—a cult classic. The brotherhood of Airheads is a strong one. During one of Variety’s Actors on Actors interviews, Sandler revealed that he threatened to walk if Lehmann didn’t cast Fraser in the role. “I said, ‘Just know Adam Sandler ain’t going to be in Airheads unless old Fraser is in it,” said Sandler. How’s that! JAS KEIMIG

Find it in the Comedy section.

BIJOU

USA, 1972, 77 min, Dir. Wakefield Poole

Honestly, it’s romantic.

Since this column lands on Valentine’s Day Week, I thought it’d be nice to jump into Scarecrow’s XXX section. We haven’t explored that section too much, mostly because a lot of its films used to be available on Pornhub. But ever since Pornhub’s great purge in 2020, vintage and more cinematic pornography is harder to find on there, which leads us to the Unstreamable Bijou by legendary director Wakefield Poole.

The premise here is straightforward: A woman loses her purse (in a hilarious, to me, opening that I won’t spoil), and it ends up in the hands of a construction worker who, we’ll soon learn, has an enormous dick. Inside her purse is an invitation to BIJOU, a darkroom sexy club for men who like men. The construction worker with the big dick goes here. And he has sex. And that’s it! 

But Bijou’s magic isn’t in its plot or sex. It’s in its direction, which is astonishing at its best. What Poole can do with a little tinsel and mirrors could make Wong Kar-Wai jealous. Released the same year as Deep Throat (1972), the film was well-received but overlooked for obvious reasons. (Though, according to Poole’s memoir, when Women’s Wear Daily asked Yves Saint Laurent what his favorite thing he did during a visit to New York City was in 1972, he allegedly said, “Seeing Bijou.”) 

I’ve had gay sex all my adult life, but I’ve never seen it as ripe and florid as this! Required viewing for gays! CHASE BURNS

Find it in the Sexploitation section under Gay XXX. Adults only.

There’s a great clip of it on YouTube but it’s got full frontal nudity, so don’t watch it at work. Unless you work for The Stranger or something.

Looking for more? Browse our big list of 350+ hard-to-find movies over on The Stranger.

*The fine print: Unstreamable means we couldn’t find it on Netflix, Hulu, Shudder, Disney+, or any of the other hundreds of streaming services available in the United States. We also couldn’t find it available for rent or purchase through platforms like Prime Video or iTunes. Yes, we know you can find many things online illegally, but we don’t consider user-generated videos, like unauthorized YouTube uploads, to be streamable.