monkeys go home poster

by Kevin Clarke

With THIS IS ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENS we present you with a movie that actually exists, and proceed to describe events that genuinely transpire, regardless of how implausible they might sound. 

The late actor Dean Jones made a career out of playing straight man to crazy animals trying his patience, in such classics as That Darn Cat!, The Ugly Dachshund, The Million-Dollar Duck and The Shaggy D.A. He was so famous for being annoyed with pets that he was even hired to play the villainous doctor in Beethoven.

In the 1967 film Monkeys, Go Home! Jones plays American ex-astronaut Hank Dussard, who inherits a picturesque villa in France, which comes complete with an olive farm! Naturally, he then thinks, “Hey, maybe I should get into the olive business!” But the neglected olive farm needs a lot more work than one man can muster. What to do!

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Cinema Collectibles #3: Times Square


by Greg Carlson

(In this column, I go through the high volume of movie-related collectables that I’ve acquired over the decades, and revisit (or view for the first time) the film(s) associated with the used VHS tape, promotional T-shirt, scratchy vinyl soundtrack album, etc., that have filled my shelves and storage boxes.)

“Times Square” Discount DVD/LP Combo 

Back in mid-2002, I was working at a health insurance company located on the outskirts of Tacoma, Washington. During my lunch breaks, I had the option of A) bringing my meal and eating it in the drab break room, B) driving down the main road and choosing one of the many fast food franchises, or C) walking across the street to the truck stop, and entertaining myself with the odd assortment of sundries and gadgets populating the shelves. Given my fondness for hunting down buried treasures and kitschy knick-knacks, you can probably guess which lunchtime option was the most popular.

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Yoda’s Favorite Historical Quotes


by Kevin Clarke and Travis Vogt

Neil Armstrong:
“Giant leap for mankind it is, but for man, one small step.”

Franklin Delano Roosevelt:
“Fear itself, the only thing we have to fear is”

Julius Caesar:
“Came, saw and conquered, I did.”

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Discomfort Zones: Eat Pray Love and I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell


by Travis Vogt

As much as it pains me to admit, there are lots of people In the world other than me. People with all kinds of different interests, belief systems and values. Huge cultural phenomenons spring up all over the place to attract these “non-mes,” often taking much of the world by storm while leaving me in the darkness of my own disinterest. In Discomfort Zones, I’ll be taking peek into some of the major cultural movements that I’ve always tried my best to avoid, but I’ll be doing it as quickly as humanly possible–by watching the tie-in movies they inspired.

For the first installment, I watched Eat Pray Love and I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, films based on two very and gender-specific literary blockbusters from the past ten years.

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