Rest in peace, king.

It’s Unstreamable! Where Jas Keimig and Chase Burns recommend movies and TV shows you can’t watch on major streaming services in the United States. We post on Wednesdays 😊

JAS: I’m giving you hi-octane, car racing thrills this week to lull you out of your late winter malaise. (Also I think this is, like, the third car race unstreamable film I’ve written about in the past year… what’s going on…)

CHASE: Vroom vroom! And this is, like, the third total garbage movie I’ve written about in the past year… just kidding… I write about trash, like, every other week for this column. And this week is no different! Cue: Cybill Shepherd playing Martha Stewart in not one but two made-for-TV movies. 

Got a recommendation? Give us the scoop at unstreamablemovies@gmail.com.

SENNA

United Kingdom | France | United States, 2010, 106 min, Dir. Asif Kapadia

Did I partially enjoy this movie because Ayrton Senna is hot? MAYBE!

Using solely archival footage with voiceovers from people in Ayrton Senna’s life, Senna follows the legendary Brazilian Formula One driver from the mid-80s to his tragic death in May 1994 at the age of 34. In particular, it focuses on the epic rivalry between Senna and French driver/teammate Alain Prost as they fight for years over the World Championship title (which Senna won three times). The girls are fighting! While filming, Kapadia had unfettered access to Senna’s private home video footage and video from public appearances and press conferences, allowing him to weave together an intimate portrait of the driver.

The version of Senna that emerges from the film is one who is humble, ambitious, deeply serious, and constantly calculating how to elevate the sport to another level. The doc uses footage from a camera that was attached to the side of Senna’s car so you can see what he sees, see how the road looked in front of him, see the way he made it all make sense. And its collage-like style makes Senna a genuinely thrilling watch. Men? Going 200 mph? On a RACE track? Sign me up! And even though I know how the story ends, what Senna illuminates about this sports icon is the importance of discipline—and luck!—when it comes to being ferocious about what you do. Rest in peace, my guy. JAS KEIMIG

Find it in the Sports Sleeves section under Auto Racing.

MARTHA BEHIND BARS

USA, 2005, 99 min, Dir. Eric Bross

Jail.

To be clear: I’ve never seen Martha Behind Bars, a 2005 made-for-TV movie starring Cybill Shepherd as “domestic diva” Martha Stewart during her trip to jail. That’s because it’s unstreamable and unloved—and someone recently took down its YouTube rips (RIP). But I have seen that movie’s predecessor: Martha, Inc, a 2003 made-for-TV movie starring Cybill Shepherd as “domestic diva” Martha Stewart on her way to said jail. That one’s on DVD (at Scarecrow) and streaming (on Peacock; maybe they saw my tweet). But both films deserve to be, hmm, remembered.

In the depths of my stonedness a few Fridays ago, an intrusive thought about Martha, Inc. unlodged from my memory banks. Did Cybill Shepherd really play an unhinged version of Martha Stewart on NBC? I wondered. Did she scream, “THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY RECIPE!!! YOU MUST NOT KNOW HOW TO COOK!!!!” at a group of suburban housewives inside a K-Mart? Did she throw pots and pans, knock down literal walls, and shatter figurative glass ceilings? Yes, she did, as Martha Stewart, in two made-for-TV movies. The Washington Post called this first one “indescribably delicious.” The New York Times called it “cheerfully sloppy.” Audiences mostly hated it. 

I, too, hated it when I rewatched it this week, but it also reminded me why it stuck with me: Cybill’s high-energy delivery. It’s simmering and silly, with a sort of swaggy cult appeal. I don’t wanna watch it again… but let me know if you find a link or copy of Martha Behind Bars…… CHASE BURNS

Looking for more? Browse our big list of 350+ hard-to-find movies over on The Stranger.

*The fine print: Unstreamable means we couldn’t find it on Netflix, Hulu, Shudder, Disney+, or any of the other hundreds of streaming services available in the United States. We also couldn’t find it available for rent or purchase through platforms like Prime Video or iTunes. Yes, we know you can find many things online illegally, but we don’t consider user-generated videos, like unauthorized YouTube uploads, to be streamable.